The Bad Days Are Really Bad

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I walk through my house touching the baby items I’ve rushed out to buy and wonder when I’ll get to use them. I breakdown in tears because she isn’t here with me. It doesn’t even feel like I’ve had a baby. For days after she was taken from me I still felt like I had a baby inside kicking around. The plan is that this would be our last baby and it was the worst experience of my life. I’ll never be pregnant again, and I’ll never get to give birth again. That alone rips me apart inside.

I haven’t been able to bond with my new baby. I spend my nights worrying about being able to care for her when they send her home with us. Most NICU parents can’t wait to bring their sweet baby’s home but I’m terrified. They are already starting to prepare us for the medications that she will need to take at 7 different times throughout the day to keep her heart regulated properly.

They’ve been trying all week to get her medications right. The type, the dosage. They have to find a happy medium. They had her SVT under control while on the IV meds but now her heart is slowing down too much while getting the oral kind down. She lost some weight and dipped below 4 lbs. In order to come home she needs to be able to eat all her meals by breast or bottle. Regulate her own temperature. Along with having all her dosages properly worked out and the cardiologists feel confident that she will be ok when she leaves.

They have already told us to expect numerous cardiologist visits for the first 6 months of her life. As she grows her dosages will have to be altered and then they will test her to see if she even still has SVT because there is a chance that she could grow out of it. We will have to learn how to check her heart rate periodically during the day and more than likely be sent home with a heart monitor.

Big JaMonkey isn’t doing well either. She is not wanting to listen to us at all. She loves her Sister and hasn’t shown any crazy signs or resentment towards her but you can tell the back and forth and wanting to bring her home is tough. She gets anger or frustrated too easily. Her big Scorpio personality is showing its ugly side. That too takes its toll because I feel like I am failing her as a parent as well. I’m hoping things get better once we bring the Lil’ JaMonkey home.

I’m in an extreme emotional battle with being able to handle how scary it is taking care of such a tiny fragile life and wanting her home in my arms so that if feels like I have a baby. I miss her so much when I’m at home.

Thank you to those who check in with me and remind me that you are thinking of my family. Especially those that share their stories with me. It keeps my hopes high that everything will be ok. That it will all work itself out and that I can do this.

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  1. Oh sweetie I’m so sorry you’re having a rough go of it. What you are dealing with is HARD and I’m amazed at the strength you have shown. JaMonkey knows you love her and she will probably continue the attitude for a bit but only because this is all new to her, too. You’re doing an amazing job being a wonderful mother to BOTH of your girls.

  2. Hugs! Sweetie, I’ve been there, it’s hard, it sucks. Take TONS of photos, it helps you bond even though you aren’t there. And be on the look out for PPD, I didn’t admit I had it till months later, but mine started out about the same as you are describing. You are not failing as a mom or a parent. The same thing happened to me, AJ loves his little sister but doesn’t want to listen to me anymore, it’s just part of the being a big sibling I think. I’m here, if you need to talk. Hugs again!

  3. Oh Meghan, I can only imagine how difficult this is for you! You are such as awesome mom, and only want to the best for your baby (and your big girl). Good for you for posting this, and getting it out, bottling it up is so much worse.
    You WILL be able to care for her, and even though it will be tough, you CAN do it. And before long, she will be home, and growing, and cooing, and keeping you up all night!
    Big hugs to you!

  4. My heart goes out to you…I can’t even imagine. Prayers for strength and wisdom…and all that God knows you need. Your girls are beautiful…and lucky to have your for a Mommy.

  5. So not having been in this position at ALL before, I still have to ask – who told you that moms can’t wait to bring their babies home from the NICU? Most of my friends who have had children in NICU are absolutely freaked out by the idea of trying to care for their children and are afraid to bring them home. Your reactions are totally normal. I’m just thrilled to hear that they’re able to regulate her – at least on IV – and she’s making progress. Definitely thinking about you all the time. Here’s hoping everyone is healthy enough for you to enjoy Disney next month!


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Meghan Cooper is a writer, content creator, movie critic, and geek living in Atlanta, Ga. She loves movies, traveling, and lots of coffee. Member of the Southeastern Film Critics Association, Georgia Film Critics Association, and Atlanta Film Critics Circle.

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