I walk through my house touching the baby items I’ve rushed out to buy and wonder when I’ll get to use them. I breakdown in tears because she isn’t here with me. It doesn’t even feel like I’ve had a baby. For days after she was taken from me I still felt like I had a baby inside kicking around. The plan is that this would be our last baby and it was the worst experience of my life. I’ll never be pregnant again, and I’ll never get to give birth again. That alone rips me apart inside.
I haven’t been able to bond with my new baby. I spend my nights worrying about being able to care for her when they send her home with us. Most NICU parents can’t wait to bring their sweet baby’s home but I’m terrified. They are already starting to prepare us for the medications that she will need to take at 7 different times throughout the day to keep her heart regulated properly.
They’ve been trying all week to get her medications right. The type, the dosage. They have to find a happy medium. They had her SVT under control while on the IV meds but now her heart is slowing down too much while getting the oral kind down. She lost some weight and dipped below 4 lbs. In order to come home she needs to be able to eat all her meals by breast or bottle. Regulate her own temperature. Along with having all her dosages properly worked out and the cardiologists feel confident that she will be ok when she leaves.
They have already told us to expect numerous cardiologist visits for the first 6 months of her life. As she grows her dosages will have to be altered and then they will test her to see if she even still has SVT because there is a chance that she could grow out of it. We will have to learn how to check her heart rate periodically during the day and more than likely be sent home with a heart monitor.
Big JaMonkey isn’t doing well either. She is not wanting to listen to us at all. She loves her Sister and hasn’t shown any crazy signs or resentment towards her but you can tell the back and forth and wanting to bring her home is tough. She gets anger or frustrated too easily. Her big Scorpio personality is showing its ugly side. That too takes its toll because I feel like I am failing her as a parent as well. I’m hoping things get better once we bring the Lil’ JaMonkey home.
I’m in an extreme emotional battle with being able to handle how scary it is taking care of such a tiny fragile life and wanting her home in my arms so that if feels like I have a baby. I miss her so much when I’m at home.
Thank you to those who check in with me and remind me that you are thinking of my family. Especially those that share their stories with me. It keeps my hopes high that everything will be ok. That it will all work itself out and that I can do this.